Soap Making

Date of Birth

December 2019

Date of Death

January 2020

Origin

I thought it would be nice to make some homemade soaps for Christmas presents.

Nothing ambitious.

Buy a kit. Make some pretty soaps. Give them to people.

So I bought a kit.

I made the soaps.

They looked quite nice.

I was very pleased with myself.

Then somebody actually used one.

The problem

They weren’t cold-process soaps.

I didn’t know this mattered until the pretty little handmade soap met hot water and immediately began reconsidering its commitment to being solid.

They dissolved ridiculously quickly.

After being used once or twice they looked grubby, misshapen and considerably less like thoughtful artisan Christmas gifts.

This was disappointing.

A normal person might have concluded:

“Well, the soap-making kit was fun.”

I googled how to make proper soap.

This was a mistake.

Apparently I was a soap maker now

I discovered cold-process soap.

Ah.

That’s how you make proper soap.

Excellent.

Obviously I could do that.

So the harmless little Christmas craft kit was joined by:

Moulds.

Scales.

Glass jugs.

Whisks.

Oils.

Fragrances.

Colours.

And sodium hydroxide.

This had escalated somewhat.

I turned my kitchen into a small chemical works.

It stank.

I made an enormous mess.

Despite wearing gloves, I managed to burn the back of my hand.

But never mind.

This was the price of progress.

Soon I would have beautiful, proper, handcrafted cold-process soap.

I did not

The soap was still shit.

Cause of death

The soap was still shit.

Post-mortem

What began as a pleasant idea for homemade Christmas presents somehow progressed to me handling caustic chemicals in a smelly kitchen while surrounded by specialist soap-making equipment.

The final product did not justify this development.

Legacy

Moulds.

Scales.

Glass jugs.

Whisks.

Oils.

Fragrances.

Colours.

A minor chemical burn.

And a greatly increased appreciation for people who simply buy soap.

Prognosis

Extremely dead.

If I ever again announce that homemade Christmas presents would be “nice”, somebody please take my debit card away.